Met Ball Hair Wind Up - The winners, snores & “oh my f**king god no”s…
So the Met Ball has had me pondering for some time, not only because I was so engrossed in the whole ‘Solange turned crazed violent attacker” internet wave, but also because I tended to love certain looks, then hate them, then look again and love them.
I can only conclude that when it came to glamour, this year’s hair was a sea of ‘fuck no’s with a couple of ‘amazing’s, made that much more amazing by their shitty surroundings. But I was particularly offended by the regular ‘boring’ offenders this year. Those boring, safe celebrities who I am so sick of seeing look exactly the same and who really have no excuse.
But I will my list speak for itself. Do you think I am insane, or agree entirely? Tweet us your faves @michaeljhair or #mjhairmetball, or feel free to comment below!
Reese Witherspoon does a genius Faux-Bob look
Faux Bobs never go out of style for me and Witherspoon effortlessly pulls off this Grace Kelly-esque style. See my how-to on this look (as worn by Cate Blanchett at the Golden Globes here)
Jessica Alba does Classic Beauty
Jessica Alba looks fantastic and this hair is beautiful, buuuuuutttttt, I am not as convinced as everyone else. And I must admit that I ALMOST semi-yawned. I love the classic look but hmmm have we seen this Jessica too many times?
Lily Aldrige & Suki Waterhouse Keep it Simple & Feminine
Score: 9/10 for Lily & 9.5/10 for Suki
We can all take tips out of the Aldridge & Waterhouse guide to timeless style. The best hair at any event is the classic beauty look. If you have a great face don’t mess around with all those deconstructed, hair in face looks, as nothing beats a clean, beautiful chignon softened around the edges to keep things less matron and more glamazon. Be it Aldridge’s cleaner finish, or the soft, almost Victorian frizz on Waterhouse, the design is kept clear and simple and perfectly executed
Result: Lily crapped all over Blake Liveley’s overdone face. Suki is just…well…Suki, so her hair looked better than Lily’s…ah such is life.
Amber Heard is Dishevelled & Decadent
This is taking the “Suki Waterhouse” and raising her some razor blades, in game of strip poker played over a line of very expensive cocaine, probably while wearing a 40,000 couture gown, which you may or may not have ripped.
The dishevelled texture to the upstyle screamed editorial edge, which perfectly paired such a dramatic lip colour. Amber’s look is bang on trend combining the essence of rebellion and grunge in the texture, but the glamour of well-dressed hair, reminiscent of the forties. I love the shape and direction of the front, opting to retain visible teasing and disguise any partings, which give the shape such a natural and effortless vibe.
The (inexcusable) Snores
Anne zzzzzzz (too tired to finish the sentence)
Anne Hathaway has to be the only woman that can make a pixie crop look this boring. Maybe it’s her face? Maybe it is the fact that my mum would look younger in this haircut. So would yours. So would Judi Dench. The end.
Alexa “same old” Chung
UK Vogue Says:
“Alexa Chung kept her hair and make-up pared-back to complement her Nina Ricci gown. She wore her hair gently tonged…”
My answer? I’m struggling to ‘pare-down’ my overwhelming desire to fall asleep looking at her.
From hair royalty to Boring McBore, Alexa Chung has plummeted into the flawed perception that she, or her gown by Nina Ricci, was enough to make this tired old balayage/just out of bed hair look even remotely glamorous. I’ve been bored with Alexa for a while, and since I worshipped her looks hard for at least a year, I tried to go down that firm “Alexa is always amazing” line of defense whenever she would disappoint. But this is the last straw.
Result: Dead to me now…not that anyone would notice said death with that plain-jane mane.
Um… are you fucking kidding me’s…..
(Names omitted out of condolence, these awful photos, however, will never, ever, go away…YAY Internet!)
1. The “I thought inhaling, while wearing a ridiculous pile of somebody else’s hair on my head would make me look impossibly young and fresh, but actually I just look like an insane, constipated, 102 year old drag queen”
2. “The angry elderly client who will cut a bitch because her weave fell out, meets ANTM contestant who Tyra has decided is the next ‘edgy’ model”
Now I wrote this pre-video-scandal and it now feels like a fairly accurate psychic prediction. Angry = tick, could cut a bitch= tick, or Jay-Z= close enough.
2, The “Since I am known for my headbands, I will wear this ridiculous one obscuring half my face because I have created a trademark that nobody cares about”
Um…how about being known for looking good? To this look I say a passionate fuck no no no no no…
…..and drum roll please….
The “Oh fuck me just no no no no no…..make it go away make it go away make it go away!!!!!!!!!!”
Hmm… is the above the world’s saddest looking person perhaps? She clearly caught herself in the mirror on the way in! Either that or her ability to keep a straight face while looking this ridiculous reinforces my saddest/sadistic theory.
Words by Michael Johnson